I FINALLY got the cheesecake I've been waiting for for months now and what do I do? FORGET IT AT WORK!!
Recently I've been doing a lot of "soul searching" (for lack of a better term) and I've been realizing a lot about my self. This is actually starting to scare me more than anything because I'm starting to realize that I'm not as "normal" as I used to think I was. Also, this is a relief because....well...I'm not as normal as I thought I was. :-) I'm struggling with the inner me on what exactly I need to do to fix the things I'm feeling at the moment and what parts of me (the NEW me) that I don't really want to lose. One thing is for certain, I am just about tired of the conflict.
Ever since I turned 18 and moved out, I've been in a whirlwind that I can't seem to slow down. I never realized exactly how much of "me" was lost living at my mom's house because I changed everything about me just to make sure she was happy. Now the only person I have to please is myself (and L of course but he's always supportive no matter who I decide to be for the day) and I'm discovering that EVEN I didn't know the real me very well...L knows so much about me that I never have to feel like I should hide who I am infront of him. He's seen me in my darkest/deepest times and he's the one who pulled me out of the hole.
I (not unlike millions of others) have a very troubled past that I'm still coming to terms with. Outwardly, I don't care and I'm over it, but on the inside its all killing me. I have never been a person to want sympathy or someone to feel bad about me. NOR do I want any attention (very self concious) most of my efforts are spent keeping the attention AWAY.
I've been clean for two years now and its getting easier and harder every day. Its hard to explain really. I've changed my habits and my coping skills but every time I think about it the little deamon in my head whispers that since it's been so long, maybe I would know how not to get hooked next time. Luckily, I'm smarter than that little deamon but he does put up a good fight.
I'm not sure why this post was so random, and I'm not sure where I was planning to go with all of this. I guess that it'll give you guys a little background on me and when I'm ready, more will follow. There's no doubt about that.
:-*
Ever since I turned 18 and moved out, I've been in a whirlwind that I can't seem to slow down. I never realized exactly how much of "me" was lost living at my mom's house because I changed everything about me just to make sure she was happy. Now the only person I have to please is myself (and L of course but he's always supportive no matter who I decide to be for the day) and I'm discovering that EVEN I didn't know the real me very well...L knows so much about me that I never have to feel like I should hide who I am infront of him. He's seen me in my darkest/deepest times and he's the one who pulled me out of the hole.
I (not unlike millions of others) have a very troubled past that I'm still coming to terms with. Outwardly, I don't care and I'm over it, but on the inside its all killing me. I have never been a person to want sympathy or someone to feel bad about me. NOR do I want any attention (very self concious) most of my efforts are spent keeping the attention AWAY.
I've been clean for two years now and its getting easier and harder every day. Its hard to explain really. I've changed my habits and my coping skills but every time I think about it the little deamon in my head whispers that since it's been so long, maybe I would know how not to get hooked next time. Luckily, I'm smarter than that little deamon but he does put up a good fight.
I'm not sure why this post was so random, and I'm not sure where I was planning to go with all of this. I guess that it'll give you guys a little background on me and when I'm ready, more will follow. There's no doubt about that.
:-*
We all have pasts and none of us are perfect. Work through your issues one day at a time. Take time to enjoy the little things that make you smile. Join a group - fight for a cause - volunteer. Love yourself.
ReplyDeleteI like your blog KMay and wanted to say writing about your life is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteIt can help others to read about what you have been thru and can help you to let it out not keep it inside.